You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
