The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
