Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize