Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
