I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
