I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
