It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
