Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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