Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to have your abortion
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
