She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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