My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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