remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
