If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My room smells like vodka and shame
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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