I accidentally burped into my bong.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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