I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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