Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
