did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
