So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i may or may not be watching the land before time
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
