Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
