Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
