Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
