I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i now understand why vodka
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
