You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
