The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
