Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
