im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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