someone threw a dead crab at me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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