No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
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he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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