where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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