I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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