john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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