GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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