Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
