new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
