i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
