I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
