Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
