dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
