Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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