i think i have two assholes
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
