remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
