my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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