I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
