I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i think i have two assholes
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
