the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
