i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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