im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
