If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
