Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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