she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
