I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
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I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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