Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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