hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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