Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Randomize
