Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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