when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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