Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
