Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
